“Can’t remember if I’ve yet to take my Ginko Biloba. Don't wanna remember., too much.”

So I ordered out and bought some “specially formulated and needed” herbal supplement

for “premium performance”; Missing-Mind Meds - improve memory, increase awareness,

sharpen focus..,

“Stay competitive!!”

The pills, taken three daily with food, worked as advertised.., became very aware of stuff I

forgot and wouldn’t forget about it for days.., all I could focus on.

Before, when I would forget things, I’d just say.., you know.., been busy, had more

important  things on my mind, or somebody should have reminded me.., find something

else to excuse it away on and forget about it.., accepting, that’s just the way it is…, my

limitations.., nobody’s perfect.., bought a daily planner that I forget to update.., so what?

But no! They say it doesn’t have to be like this;

And all could be so much better.., you could have back the memory of your youth.., a

doctor with Parkinson’s says so.., got his own half-hour infomercial; “Shakin’ not Spun,

The Jinn and Tonic Show”, Sunday morning AM radio; before religion and the preachers..,

pushing homeopathic remedies for lost hair, lost libido, lost dreams; and this week it’s a

lost mind.

So I’m thinking, about twenty minutes in and three minutes after they made the two-for-one

countdown offer, I’m thinking this might be a good thing., to remember stuff.., not that I

could recall anything worth remembering..,

It’s already forgotten;

So I desperately believe..,

And when somebody tells you; in fact a doctor in remission and on the radio, tells you;

through breakthroughs in modern science; they were able to put together a proprietary

protected cocktail from an ancient arcane recipe full of the most exotic of herbs that

“possess miraculous properties for the benefit of all mankind”.., you know.., you tend to

listen.., at least for the benefit of all mankind.

The doctor went on and on, explaining in great detail, how these gel-tabs work..,

by disciplining mental or, Missing-Mind Mischief, as he so eloquently put it.

And it sounded.., good. Not that I could recall the specifics to anyone, but, in general, the

presentation, as I remember it, was convincing.., dude seemed to know a lot of, what I

knew nothing.., I liked how he termed it “mischief” - missing-mind-mischief, the hook..,

And what did I have to lose but twenty bucks, plus separate shipping and handling; I was

getting two for one on a fifty dollar value with a thirty day money back guarantee if it didn’t

live up to the promises of hidden, hand-me-down interpretations channeled through ghosts

of advanced Amazon witch doctors, and Chinese alchemists..,

And, as it would soon be available in stores.., “Never, Ever!!” 

I ordered and received, direct from the warehouse, the two bottles of pills promised, and

took as directed.

Things changed;

Bad memory didn’t used to upset me; never giving it a second thought.., nothing on the

line.., but now I was invested; twenty bucks, plus "separate", shipping and handling; plus

the weight of the claim.., “for the benefit of all mankind”.., tightly focused on the burden of

proof; to prove this secret sauce source legit before reality itself becomes a lost memory.

The stakes could be no higher.., and the money-back guarantee did me no good; they

guaranteed improved memory, not happy ones.

I’d forget because I had to remember; remember that I couldn’t forget, then forget what I

was supposed to remember.., and then not forget that I forgot..,

Like the time I forgot to do that thing for my brother-in-law Kenneth; not Ken, not Kenny –

Kenneth. It was his and my twisted sister Theresa’s thirtieth wedding anniversary; and I

love my sister, as I recall, but not my brother-in-law; an ambitious real estate agent; who

was too flippin' busy to take care of business for real; too insincere to get it handled; too

indulgent to.., and with a well-rehearsed smile dripping of fast-buck charm and happy hour


“Hey, can you pick up the dry-cleaning? I told Theresa I’d do it, and you know how upset

she gets.., thanks, buddy.., I owe you..,”


“Can you go pick me up some flowers? Got to be real good.., you know, special..,

something seasonal, I think.., got Theresa all pissed-off; you know how she gets.., thanks,

.., you’re the best.”

Again and again and again..,

And this time it was to drive downtown to find some antique shop or whatever;

But I don’t like to see Theresa get disappointed, get upset; she can get.., difficult, so; I was

planning to do it, intending to do it, and had remembered to do it; till I got bored, allowed

my mind to wander, and remembered what an asshole Kenny was; and while thinking

about that, I had thirty years to focus and reflect upon; I forgot to do what I had set out to

do and did something I had remembered I’d already forgotten; and didn’t recall the

downtown drive and Grandma Grave’s Retro Rags and Used Book Shop, till I was

reminded too late; which, thanks to breakouts in modern science..,  I’ll never forget.



© 2018 by Stephen Ian McNaught